How Cultural Diversity and Homesickness Affected My Motherhood?*

* Bu yazı ilk olarak 2019 yılının Aralık ayında Motherdom Magazine’de yayımlanmıştır.

 My daughter Defne: “Mommy, why do people say my name wrong?”

Self-talk: Maybe we should have chosen an easier name for her. But I love it. Defne means ‘bay leaves’ in Turkish, it makes me remember my mother’s kitchen.

My son Ali: “Mommy, why don’t you kiss me on the lips like other mums?”

Self-talk: Haha I never expected this to come. What a great observation!

Defne/Ali: “Mommy, talk to me in English, not Turkish. It’s hard to understand what you’re actually saying.”

Self-talk: Likewise. It is really hard for me too when you say new words or phrases in English. Do you ever think that we’re on the same boat kids?

I moved to UK in 2006 after getting married to my husband, who was originally from Turkey and was already working as an IT consultant in London. My replies to questions like that mostly depended on the mindset on any given day. Some days I found it so funny and I was able to laugh at them. Sometimes I tried so hard in order not to make a mistake. Some days I would feel very lonely being far away from my family that I would take everything personally. Coming from a different culture, living in a country where I never had any sort of experience before was a challenging experience for me. It’s very common for people living abroad to experience homesickness. It can be described as an emotional distress or having low a mood when the familiar people, places or the support systems are not available anymore.

Having studied psychology in Istanbul, trained and worked as a teacher in London, then taking projects as an educational consultant between two countries was a bit like a Buz Lurhman’s famous 2001 film: Moulin Rouge. It was colourful, loud and rich but it was physically and emotionally tiring. I always loved working with people from diverse backgrounds and I had a genuine interest in cultural diversity. So, when I was working with schools, children and families, I found so much fulfilment.

When I had my children, however, my homesickness got worse. My parents could stay with us only for a certain amount of time as they had limited amount of days on their visa. Whenever they went back to Istanbul, I started to feel anxious and less confident. Nothing matched with my previous life experiences. I thought I had to adapt my motherhood to this new society we chose to settle in. I didn’t realise it back then that I was putting extra pressure on myself to try to do everything perfectly, thinking that’s what a psychologist/teacher/ parent should do.

As my homesickness accelerated, my sadness increased too. I became aware that I developed some negative thought patterns that needed addressing. I knew that I would heal, but I also realised that I needed to get support.

In some cases, little life style adjustments like engaging more with nature and physical activities, trying a new hobby or volunteering in community work might be enough to get yourself back to your healthy place. In some cases, it’s vital to get professional help. In my case, I did both, as I believe in the combination of self-care and talking therapies.

Here are some examples of what common homesickness thought patterns I went through that led me to get help, and what I did instead to find my harmony again:

“If I was there now, it would be different.”

The assumption myth..

For a long time, I said: “If I was in Istanbul it would be such and such”. I held onto my past and saw myself in loss. I needed to acknowledge my long-supressed grief of separating from my family and home.

An assumption is a negative thinking pattern. In this case, I was telling myself that I didn’t have whatever I had in the past anymore, and I was also assuming I knew exactly what life would be like back home.This thought pattern also steals the present (the ‘now’) and any positive possibility. I came to see the real emotion behind the thoughts and practised saying how I really felt: “Right now what I’m really feeling is sadness and comparison will only accelerate it.”

“Why I didn’t do it right?”

The habit of negative self-talk..

I remember once feeling very ashamed for not knowing to write ‘Thank You’ cads after my son’s first birthday party whilst keep getting ones from the other parties. I kept asking myself: why didn’t I think of that? If only I knew..

If I was not in control of what was happening around me, (which was very likely to happen by the way), my self-talk was very negative. Self-talk is a learned behaviour. It is mainly shaped by the attachment styles we had with our own parents and the messages we were thought consciously and unconsciously.

What I am still learning and sharing with my own children is to see mistakes as a part of an ongoing life experience. I started to make more conscious efforts to catch myself using “I should have.. I could be more..” phrases and switched them with positive memories I had, such as the first time I threw a Halloween party for all Reception children and everybody had so much fun.

When I think about parenting, Daniel Klein’s humorous philosophical book title “Everytime I Find the Meaning of Life, They Change It” pops in my head. I think that’s exactly how most of us feel when it comes to parenting. So, maybe regardless of our cultural backgrounds, ethnicity, traditions or values, we are all on the same boat of learning and relearning how to do this in our own way.